May 23, 2008

Your Summer Drink List

By: James Poulos

Inspired and revolted by Sonny’s review of one of the Amis’ less undrinkable-sounding notoriously funky beverages, I present forthwith your summering drink list. I mean your summer drinking list. I mean…

DOs

1. Rye. Rye is one dark liquor that’s better when it’s hotter and more humid than mind and body can take. This is true whether the rye is consumed inside, in a cool, dark place, or outside in the stultifying heat and semi-classy surroundings of, say, that insult to patios that’s in front of the Bourbon on Wisconsin Ave. Bourbon’s okay for rye but if you really want the business proceed to Bar Pilar for a full, full glass of the “Velvet Glove,” a rye that would melt Bismarck’s iron heart. This rye looks better than you at the bar, and it might even be older than you, too. But note: there are secret stashes of perfectly delicious rye hiding out in DC area bars that you can grab for around $12 a bottle. I can’t blow the lid off this one, but they’re there if you look. Hint: Wild Turkey and Jim Beam make okay ryes. These’re something else. Have your store-bought rye on the rocks or muddled with mandarin oranges. A splash of Diet Coke is permissible if you’re trying to remain civilized for several consecutive hours.

2. Limoncello. If it’s good enough for Clooney, De Vito, and Avril Lavigne, it’s good enough for you. Some booze aficionados are revolted by the sweetness or syrupyness of limoncello, but I say this is crap. Limoncello is pep in a glass. You know you’re drinking when you drink limoncello, only without the searing fumes. If you want something flat, flavorless, and nonthreatening, have a Sauvingon Blanc and wake me up when it’s over. Dino, on Connecticut, has a nice limoncello, which should be paired with the insane cheese they fly in from caves in Italy. If you prefer to spend a little more money for pushy, schizo service and Italian food that’s also superdelicious, I Ricchi, on 19th, will hook you up with a nice dose of the stuff as well. But caution: drinking limoncello outside of a bar or a restaurant makes you seem like an unclassifiable freak. Unless you own a white suit and a panama hat, are recording a duet with Deryck Whibley, or are hosting your one big dinner party this season, do not serve your guests limoncello.

3. Gin and grapefruit. In foreign locales you can get a gin and grapefruit in two shakes of an, um, shaker, but in the US the drink is somewhat more rarely ordered. This is okay, because even bottled grapefruit juice makes a fine complement to Marx’s most despised liquid. After due deliberation, I remain convinced that your gin should be Tanqueray Ten. It would appear even after the limoncello that I am not sweet enough already, so if it’s all too overwhelming and not enough juniper for you, rest assured I have no great distaste for Bombay (always Sapphire), Plymouth, Hendricks, or of course the other Tanquerays. Beefeaters and Seagrams I want nothing to do with. At any rate, gin and grapefruit is refreshing, crisp, and plausibly healthful. I have conducted rigorous summer experiments with this beverage and can confirm that even if you’re being fried alive after a long, rainy spring indoors, gin and grapefruit will keep your mouth feeling continents away from wherever it is you’re becoming a sundried tomato.

4. Red Stripe beer. For reasons too complicated to go into, I will forever associate Red Stripe beer with utopian levels of summer refreshment. When the vision of one more Corona puts you on the verge of thinking Summer should just be renamed Mexico, reach for the squat brown bottle with the suds inside substantial enough not to need limeage. Then sit back, relax, and try not to laugh yourself off your seat as the clown with the Corona (probably a Light) soaks everyone within ten feet while botching the post-lime insert-thumb, invert-bottle routine.

5. Local 16‘s French Martini. One for the girls. Or guys, if you’re feeling utterly confident in your metrosexuality masculinity. During the Doublethink Online party I discovered just how drinkable this concoction can be, especially at $4 a pop during Local’s long happy hour. If you hate raspberries or pineapple, you will be doomed, but otherwise, go crazy. Well-mixed, a nice dark pink color, and, unlike the lemony martini they also offer, not too sweet.

DON’Ts

6. The mojito. Yes, these can be tasty, but when they are bad they are horrid. Rightly, you pay about $3 too much for your crimes. Learn and move on. Even if the mojito you’re served is perfect, at this point you’re really pigeonholing yourself as someone about to be lapped on the fashion track. You’re probably still working your way through the last season of Friends on DVD, aren’t you?

7. Captain and Coke. There are two types of people in the world: those who know why ordering anything with Captain Morgan in it makes you that guy, and those who don’t. Pyrat. Mount Gay. Bacardi, for the love of God. If you really must drink rum, the options are manifold. Friends don’t let friends drink Captain Morgan.

8. Kalimotxo. That’s “calimocho” to you, and if you don’t know what it means, remember curiosity killed the cat. Kalimotxo is half red wine and half Coke. Apparently many people love and swear by kalimotxo. I avoid this beverage for the same reason I have never been moved to mix root beer and rosé.

9. The cosmo. If enough of us stop drinking this, perhaps there will never be another Sex in the City movie.

10. Rather than go out with a bang of snark, I’ll ask you in the name of humanity to help me get Ouzo off the don’t list. In addition to being Greek (note to Zaytinya), Ouzo turns white when you put ice or cold water in it, which is awesome, because not only can you rehydrate as you socialize to your heart’s content, now you can reenact that crazy Live video without having to actually drink all that whole milk:

UPDATE: Rod Dreher provides his own list of dos and don’ts. Pay special attention to his infusions. Coincidentally, I’d just been told two nights ago that Campari and soda makes a great refresher. Also check out the combox, where you will encounter the awesome (the Cereal Killer would make an Amis proud) and the not-so-awesome (Tecate and clamato…shudder).