Friday the 13th — huh?
For reasons that escape me, someone saw fit to remake Friday the 13th, and apparently it is presently number one at the box office. Good lord, why? The original wasn’t remotely frightening, and moreover it represented a kind of mediocrity that can’t really be improved on. It was mainly noteworthy for murdering Kevin Bacon, which most have taken as preemptive punishment for Footloose (in my mind, I always think of him as the victim who gets beaten against a tree, which is more satisfying for some reason).
And, yes, I know, the slasher films of the late ’70s and early ’80s represented a fear of the effects of the sexual revolution on a younger generation, just as the creature films of the ’50s represented a fear of nuclear weapons, and the Hostel films represent a fear that the ultra-rich will torture and kill us all, and the Phantasm series represents a fear of I know not what because those movies made so little sense; I mean you could drive a truck through those gaps in continuity.
Whatever.
Herewith, a list of films that will actually frighten you, just as they did me (in autobiographical order):
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory – No explanation needed for anyone of my generation. For those born too early or too late, it’s the story of a demented confectioner who lures five children into his deathtrap, where he proceeds to pick them off, one by one, in horrifying ways.
Aliens – I saw this when I was nine years old. I promptly duct-taped all the vents in my bedroom, in the certainty that they were merely entryways for face-hugging aliens intending to implant their hellish spawn in my chest while I lay sleeping.
Spoorloos (The Vanishing) – You could probably slap a PG-rating on this one for all the violence that actually shows up onscreen. But that ending terrified me so badly, I spent the rest of the night drinking coffee and playing video games to avoid going to sleep. And I was in college.
Audition – I almost became a monk after watching this film.
The Descent – Some late-night television programmer must have had a mean streak in him. I ended up catching this one on cable, expecting a mildly diverting horror flick which I would probably shut off halfway through. It turned out to combine my two greatest fears: fear of enclosed spaces and fear of being torn to pieces by ravenous bat-people. I literally screamed like a little girl on no fewer than three occasions.