Conversations Need More Positivity: How to Bring the Other Side to the Table

There’s a disturbing trend among Americans these days: we don’t feel like we can talk to each other. Folks feel more polarized than ever with little optimism for change in the future. 

How did this happen? According to the Pew Research Center, partisan antipathy has increased against the “other side” within the last 20 years: “The share of Republicans who have very unfavorable opinions of the Democratic Party has jumped from 17% to 43%. Similarly, the share of Democrats with “very negative opinions of the Republican Party also has more than doubled, from 16% to 38%”. And those who held the most polarized views in both parties perceived the other side as “a threat to the nation’s well being.”

Polling from the Cato Institute in 2020 found that a whopping 62% of Americans self-censor their political views and 32% of employed individuals in the U.S. fear that their political views could cause them to lose their jobs or miss out on new opportunities. According to the study, that attitude encompasses more than just conservatives–who clock in at 34%–but liberals (31%) and moderates (30%) feel the same. The authors conclude that a sizable majority of Americans from diverse backgrounds and political beliefs–not merely the fringes of the spectrum–have elected to censor themselves.

Despite these trends, there is reason for optimism. The majority of Americans in both political parties don’t hold very negative views of the other side according to the same data. Using the below techniques, I believe folks can have very positive conversations with those who strongly disagree with them. 

1. Be Patient

With only 240 characters to get in our opinion, there’s little room for listening to others. However, when you’re sitting with someone and talking, you have more than enough time to listen and to share your own thoughts. Be patient and stop rushing. Take a few minutes to listen and absorb what others are saying, and ask questions about what they think and why. This will not only help give you perspective into what they think, but why they think it. 90% of our communication problems are caused by misunderstandings. Take the time to listen to others and learn about their “why,” and they will be much more open to hearing you. 

2. Acknowledge Others’ Thoughts

When speaking to others, do you ever feel like they’re just listening to get their point in the very second you are done? Me too, and I know I’ve made the mistake before myself. Once you’re done listening to your fellow conversation participants, make sure to acknowledge their thoughts so they know you respect them and to demonstrate that you were actually listening. You can do this by employing terms like “fascinating,” or “I haven’t thought about that before.” It will help other people feel heard and appreciated, even if you don’t agree. 

3. Refrain from Ad Hominem Attacks

I’ve seen so many conversations go downhill quickly with “ad hominem” attacks, which are statements directed against a person or one’s being rather than the arguments made. Don’t fall into this trap; a discussion can rarely, if ever, be saved when using it. Logically speaking, would you want to be open to someone attacking your intelligence or personal being when you’re just trying to learn more about policy? Likely not. And you can expect they won’t listen to you. Ad-hominem perverts, disrupts, and cheapens your argument and closes you off from others who may otherwise be open. Stay away from this at all times, even if the conversation degrades you or your character, doesn’t mean you need to stoop to that level.

Despite the previous increase in negative attitudes, we can still have positive exchanges with those with whom we disagree. By listening to others, acknowledging them, and keeping a significant distance from ad-hominem attacks, I believe we can change the conversation, build friendships, and open people’s minds to our ideas.