The Conversation Crisis: Discernment

At some point we have all been stuck in that uncomfortable situation where someone, without taking the time to feel out of the room, made a comment about religion or politics that made us uncomfortable. Perhaps you have been the person guilty of overstepping. 

I myself have certainly been guilty of violating the well known rule of etiquette, “Never discuss religion or politics in general company” which, frankly, is a good bit of advice. More recently though, this last bit, “in general company” has been lost. If this doesn’t change, we are left with a community that cannot discuss big issues or policies that affect us all. Many, on both sides of the political aisle, fear that our democracy will cease to function without conversation and needless political division will win the day if something is not done to counter this culture of disagreeableness. 

Some have attempted to recover this ability to coexist and cooperate with folks of different beliefs, opinions, and persuasions. Most notably, public figures like Arthur Brooks and Ben Sasse have written entire books on the subject. Organizations like Listen First Project, The Better Angels Society, and so many others have popped up to address our collective inability to cooperate and communicate. However, another problem undercuts this national shortage of conversation that is just as serious. 

Some of us are involved in our communities and politics at the local level and feel that it’s important to be courageous and bring up an issue with our neighbor when necessary. If we are to have a world in which these great champions of community and free speech seize the day and society adopts new (or renewed) social mores that allow us to speak openly about controversial or divisive topics amongst our friends and neighbors, we must first lay the groundwork. 

We must first learn when to speak and when to hold our tongues.  

Social scientists of all stripes have taken to analyzing this problem, which is often dubbed “discretion”. As Controlled Freedom: Dealing with Discretion points out, “Discretion in public life operates within organizations—as systems of rules and cultures. Sometimes these are traditional public bureaucracies, but increasingly they may reflect other ways of working and commitments such as those of business. Practices of discretion reflect their context, but they also challenge the constraints and question the choices their context presents.”

This skill also translates well into the professional realm. Many of us are in positions or occupy spaces that sometimes require us to handle sensitive information or operate with some degree of discretion. Another reason why the ability to exercise this discretion is so important is that it signals to others our ability to regulate our emotions, use complex reason, social judgment, and perhaps most vitally, is a signifier of moral judgment or wisdom. It’s likely that you know someone who does not hold their tongue and is not the best judge of the situation. 

Political scientists and social psychologists study this phenomenon using a variety of measures which primarily only help us describe what’s happening and what types of situations require special attention. How then do we develop this ability to know when and how to operate with discretion personally so that we are able to begin changing the culture around important conversations in our communities? 

Some might argue that we have to chalk this up to emotional intelligence and personality but I am more optimistic about our hopes to develop a democracy of people that have the ability to operate (and cooperate) with discretion. After all, ethicists have been claiming this ability for centuries!

Discernment is a virtue that sits between vices of rashness or ignorance. Those who have cultivated the ability to operate with compassion, wisdom, and nuance in situations have a virtue that makes them better suited to particular situations and more equipped than their less discerning counterparts to handle the task of engaging in difficult conversations.

How do we develop this quality? There is some debate about how we obtain a virtue like discernment but as best I can figure, it is gained through habit, practice, and patience. Maintaining a healthy and robust democracy requires people of virtue who are active in conversing with others about political, religious, and social issues. Perhaps the best way to develop this new quality is to stop shying away from difficult conversations and ask friends for critical feedback. 

Make it a habit to be self-reflective and encouraging of others. Normalize engaging in these conversations with family, friends, and neighbors in a way that respects the dignity and social location of the other conversation participants. Giving yourself and those around you the space to be wrong, learn, and grow through a conversation requires having compassion and discernment.

We cannot expect to change if we don’t try. The people around you could even surprise you. Just tread carefully and for goodness sake, use some discernment when talking about sensitive topics.