Rich Man’s Beer, Poor Man’s Beer

Contra Yglesias, Sonny reminds us — and I’m sure Matt knows it well — that beer, as such, is available in cheap, expensive, and ironically cheap varieties, plus a whole lot else besides. Since an opportunity like this doesn’t come every day (or is that shouldn’t?), I must take the opportunity to provide a quick rundown on good bad beers. Since we are slumming in kitsch today, let’s make it a top five list.

(1) Pabst Blue Ribbon. I love this beer. There isn’t a better ‘traditional’ American beer on the market. (Sam Adams is not a ‘traditional’ American beer.) Less urine-flavored than Miller, less seltzer-water than Bud, and more everything than Coors, PBR is really what a bottle of suds used to be: as cheap as the bountiful yet wholesome ingredients that went into it. Plus it was founded in 1844, same year as Our President’s (and Gerald Ford’s…and Rutherford Hayes’) fraternity.

(2) Tombs Ale. A sure sign that you are an inveterate DC type — but not so gentrified as to subsist on Heineken — a pitcher of Tombs down at The Tombs has the appealing capability of cutting through Clydes’ standard-issue bacon-cheeseburger vein clog before it’s absorbed through your stomach lining.

(3) Miller High Life. Right around here the list begins to mock you. Are there really five delicious ‘traditional’ American brews? Even the Champagne of Beers becomes treacherous after two or three bottles. Best eaten with KFC.

(4) Rolling Rock. Latrobe, PA’s finest is as tasty as a beer thinner than a banned Euromodel can be. Ironically not bitter.

(5) Modelo Especial. Did I say American? In an Absolut world…